clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Match preview: Blackburn v Forest

A match preview that very much reflects the seriousness of the game. We talk Blackburn, human enemas and a 25-breasted chicken with Joe.co.uk editor Matthew Stanger...

Michael Heiman/Getty Images

Nick Miller: Right, let's preview! Would I be a reductive & lazy journo to say your season has been borked by the cup?

Matthew Stanger: Yeah, it was over already really. We have two 20-goal plus strikers stuck on 18 (Rhodes) and 16 goals (Gestede) and a defence as leaky as a Welsh national symbol. How am I doing?

NM: Excellent so far - well done! Have a biscuit! Did you have realistic aspirations of promotion at the start of the season?

MS: If by 'realistic' you mean 'realistic' then I'd realistically have to say no. We don't have enough depth or variety, which has become more apparent as the season has progressed. I really don't rate our defence.

NM: Getting the distinct impression you don't think Blackburn are that good at the back. Who would've thought you'd be missing Scott Dann?

MS: Hey, don't get me wrong, it hasn't been a terrible season and at least Venky's have stopped sticking Shebby Singh-shaped sex toys in our orifices just for kicks. But at one point our defensive record was on a par with Blackpool's. Grant Hanley's head is just too god damn big - that's the only explanation I can muster.

NM: What's happened to Shebby Singh? Drowned in a sea of chicken wings?

MS: I can't stop thinking of the words 'human enema', so I'm just going to leave this answer blank.

NM: Best for all concerned. Does this mean we don't get more of those sweet adverts for Venky's chicken you used to do?

MS: For now, but I hear Venky's are rearing a genetically modified super-chicken with 25 breasts - enough to feed an entire Championship squad. They'll make their money back one way or another.

NM: 25 breasts, eh? Like the woman in Total Recall, but, like, more?

MS: Yes. And meatier.

NM: Erotic. Who, aside from Rhodes, Gestede and the 25-breasted chicken, should Forest be scared of on Saturday?

MS: Left-back Marcus Olsson is as quick as a whippet and fast becoming one of our most important players, while Tom Cairney can deliver a killer ball if you give him time and space. Ben Marshall and Craig Conway are almost identical - incredibly slow but with excellent crossing ability.

I have less than 10% battery and left my charger in work by the way.

NM: Arguably you wasted some battery by writing an email saying you didn't have much battery. Right then - let's have a prediction from you...

MS: The 25-breasted chicken is a genuine game-changer for humankind. Also: 2-1 to the Roverrrrrrrsss.

Was I meant to be polite and ask about Forest? My only question given your performance this season would be: "U ok hun?"

NM: No, it's quite alright. You did well! I really will buy you a cookie when I see you next.

Matthew is editor of weightlifting website Joe.co.uk. You can follow him on Twitter @MatthewStanger